“I just wish you could connect with me better, and relate to me at a deeper level,” my wife said. It didn’t sound mad this time—but it was with heartbreaking sadness. After decades of marriage, we were once again having this weighty conversation. My dismissive attachment style wanted to run and hide as I had done many times before.
However, this time, I found words. “Hon, I love you with every fiber in my body and I want to be with you in that intimacy.” What I didn’t say is that I didn’t have a clue how to do that. All the scriptures I had memorized, Bible studies I had attended, and books I had read didn’t seem to move me one step farther on the journey of true intimacy. She had known something was missing for a long time, and now I knew too.
And so I prayed and asked questions. Why didn’t my spiritual disciplines lead to a more intimate, enriched marriage? Why couldn’t I relate more deeply with my wife? Was this also true about my relationship with God? And with my friends?
I grew up in a military family and easily marched into the Army at 18. Though I would consider myself a sensitive guy (I cry at movies and funerals), I was taught that emotions get in the way of sound decision-making, and after all, “there’s no crying in baseball!” Be cool, calm, and collected—and unattached: that’s what I learned to do.
God answered my prayers in the fall of 2016 when I met Jim Wilder. As Jim shared his experiences and the principles of the Life Model, I knew he had the answers to my questions. I realized that in this imperfect world, my infant brain didn’t receive what it needed. As a result, my body grew but the relational part of my brain did not. An underdeveloped and untrained brain, as it turns out, is a trademark among Evangelical men.
But everything changed 25 years ago when the neuroscience community discovered that the brain grows and can be developed through training. It can literally be rewired to reflect more of God’s original design and purpose.
I was introduced to several relational brain skills and techniques, including how to quiet myself, share joy, be fully present, and create appreciation and deep gratitude. A few months later, my wife and I went to a five-day seminar where these skills and others were practiced within a community of like-minded believers of Jesus, and it was at this gathering when everything connected. It was just like the day my dad brought home our first color television: I was fascinated by how that box could project a brilliant blue sky and lush green grass! That’s how I felt then at the seminar. I had walked into the trainings viewing the world with a black and white relational screen—and it had suddenly been switched to color!As I continue to “grow up,” the colors only get deeper and richer. As I mentor and disciple others, I pass on these same relational brain skills. I’m able to get deeper and become more relationally connected with my friends. As a result, I see dramatic life changes within them. Simple, intentional brain skills can bring profound character change. God has taken me on a gentle, transformative journey. Just ask my wife. I now can enjoy a true relationship with her and my loving Savior!
